I have a tumultuous relationship with power. When I was younger, I believed that terms such as "power" and "strength" were synonymous, and prided myself on having plenty of both to go around. I've never been a tiny thing, never carried myself with grace and delicacy. My life has been filled with grandiose excess, for better or for worse. So while my sister perfected the specific manipulation of various limbs in intricately sporting ways, I lifted up one corner of the couch at a time so that my mother could vacuum underneath it.

My emotions as well have always tended towards one extreme or another, never quite finding the ability to rest at a happy medium. Finally receiving a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder has helped me come to grips with this in the most logical fashion, but that is a goose for another gander. The point is rather that my mental will has always been as strong as my physical prowess. Yet as I grew more into myself physically, seeking to shrink away and hide my bulk, I found myself exerting power through manipulation of the mental realm.

These days I shudder to think what means I wa seeking to accomplish in those times. Looking back over the antics I displayed when suffering from this defect of mentalities would make the most self-assured among us blush. When I say that I sought power through the demeaning of others' intellectual perspectives, I do so with no sense of pride for the so-called "accomplishments" I was granted. In fact, the punishments enacted against me by the universe for such behavior have stripped away any sense of pride I once held for being "Right."

While some seek the acquisition of power, I now yearn to remove all traces of said force from my life.

Power is the father of inequality. Those who seek power seek to control some bit of the universe, and the pursuit of control is a game of bending another force to one's own will. Those who have mastered themselves are in many cultures regarded as the highest of their kind, while those who have mastered others are faced with a great faction of belief towards, depending upon the lens from which they are viewed. While in many ways our modern-day society looks to the powerful as The Almighty, I find these individuals to be among the most toxic to an inclusive harmony.

To me, those who seek to master others are treading down a life path which leads them purposefully and unprofitably away from self-awareness, assurance, and mastery. Power overextended begets further power overextended in a maniacal race to stay on what one views as the "top." To overpower a person is, as previously stated, an assertion of a desire to bend the will of the individual being victimized. Doing so is isolating, in that it forces the entire interacting community into one individual's will. To do this is to deny individuality, and thus to deny the pursuit of wisdom.

An individual who is truly wise accomplishes no sense of self-satisfaction from championing the "Right" opinion to those who may disagree, but ze realizes that wisdom is a force which can only be accomplished through the challenging of principles, which leads a person to develop strength.

Strength of will, strength of character, and strength of conviction. These are all admirable personality traits which indicate something entirely apart from power. To have true strength, to be masterful of oneself and one's emotions, is a most commendable tool. Those who are truly strong of self feel no need to deny others their own journey, their own path towards noble self-mastery.

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During my most recent meeting with Dr. H, I was presented with an interesting metaphor for life. He referred to it as "the smorgasbord," though due to my upbringing I prefer to reference it as "the potluck." Titles aside though, I believe it provides a stimulating insight into what it means to present the best of yourself at all times. The conversation began with him posing a question to me as to which I would prefer: being invited to a smorgasbord (potluck) and told to bring green beans, or being invited and told to bring whatever I would like. My immediate response was that I would rather bring whatever I pleased, but upon closer introspection I was forced to retract that statement and admit that I would feel much safer knowing precisely what was required of me, and fitting myself to what was needed.

Of course, this response proved itself to be quite telling of my own mentalities, and Dr. H brought to my attention the ramifications of the alternate response. It was his assertion that if he were presented with the former proposition, he would jovially decline, citing the fact that his green beans "stink." He further went on to say that he would inform the host/ess that he would be glad to attend, and would bring with him a pork roast. The scene played out a bit further, with him acting as both host/ess and invitee, arguing heartily about what he was to bring.

"But I really want you to bring green beans."
"Too bad, my green beans are no good."
"But green beans are what I need."
"I understand that, but I have no confidence in my green beans."

The culminating blow came when Dr. H revealed the intent of his metaphor: "You might want green beans from me, but I know my green beans aren't the greatest. However, my pork roast is the best thing I make. I have full confidence in my ability to produce a pork roast that is my very best. And even if no one else likes it, or there are three other plates of pork roast, I know that mine is the best damn thing I could have provided, and I'll enjoy it enough for everyone else in attendance."

There was little need to inform me of the implication of this story on real life.

Perhaps the greatest motivator in my life to date has been others' perceptions of me. It has been my intent to continually present myself as exactly what the situation calls for. In a sense, I suppose I have prided myself in being able to slip into any role that was required of me, to fit myself under any mask. My own sense of self-worth has been indistinguishably entangled with others' perceptions of their need for me. Without knowing what is required of me, I find myself in a virtual panic of uncertainty. Who am I if someone else isn't telling me who I should be, and affirming me when I act in the way they so desire?

Attempting to self-impose yoursel into a mold created by the hands of others is a task which lends itself to much uncertainty and discomfort. Basing your entire sense of self-worth on others' views of who you are is a ludicrous pursuit. It stands to reason that you're always going to disappoint someone. It simply is not feasible to be the perfect person from everyone's perspective in every situation. What you can and should strive to do, however, is to be the best person that you know how. Present yourself in the way that is most honest to yourself, and allow others to choose for themselves what they think of you. While it's true that disappointments may arise, at least you'll know who you are, and be able to take comfort in the fact you were honest and true.

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Some of my favorite communities to leisurely peruse on LiveJournal are those dedicated to the topic of inspiration. Individuals are invited to submit works of art, quotations, or anything else that serves as inspiration to their lives. I have a rather extensive folder on my computer comprised of images that have been found through browsing this type of community. The positive attitude and nod towards beautiful living which exists within these realms is also particularly pleasing to me.

That is why I was rather surprised to recently come upon an image whose nature struck me as so vile that I immediately saved it to my computer for an entirely different reason altogether. The image, which seems to provide a striking and poignant warning to the bulk population, makes my ableist-hating blood boil. It displays a standard-looking toilet seat, to which the deconstructed rear wheels of a manual wheelchair have been affixed. Above the seat, a sign displays the ominous warning: "TAKE A SEAT AND THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF DRUNK DRIVING."

Now while I'm certain that the percentage of the population which boasts drunk driving to be a good idea is a scant one, the known statistics of this behavior tell a slightly different story. Mothers Against Drunk Driving reports that, "In 2007 an estimated 7.8 percent of 16 or 17 year olds, 18.3 percent of 18 to 20 year olds, and 25.8 percent of 21 to 25 year olds reported driving under the influence of alcohol in the past year," and, "Over 1.46 million drivers were arrested in 2006 for driving under the influence of alcohol or narcotics. This is an arrest rate of 1 for every 139 licensed drivers in the United States." Clearly we have a problem here, and something needs to be done.

The employment of scare tactics in advertising is a trick that has been used to great success for quite some time now, but at what cost? In this instance, at the cost of the pride and autonomy of over 1.6 million Americans. That is the number of current wheelchair users in the United States today.

Now let it be known that I am not among this statistic, and I do not profess any rights in speaking for this group of individuals. What I am is a person with a disability who resides within the realm of a culture intent on devaluing and dehumanizing me as a result of this fact. What I am is an individual who has spent zir lifetime trying to change the rules of the game, trying to expose the "hidden truths" of life with a disability: it isn't scary, and it doesn't completely suck.

What is scary, and what certainly does suck is the perceptions that have been placed on disability by the temporarily-non-disabled population. And I say that with fervor, because your so-called "able" body is a transitory state, and the sooner you recognize it, the better.

Just what is it that being in a wheelchair inhibits a person from doing? One thing and one thing alone: walking. And what is the wheelchair there to assist with? Mobility. What ableists consider a "walking-or-valueless" sort of task. So what am I saying then? That there's really nothing that a person in a wheelchair can't do? Then what exactly is so bad about the wheelchair? What do we have to fear?

An ableist society, which has created for us the very IDEA of "disability." That is what we have to fear, a skewed perception that has been adopted by a mass of people which devalues members outside of that mass who are seen as somehow "weaker" or as taking more than they are able to contribute, by someone's ridiculous standard of what makes worth.

Listen here, we all use assistive technology to navigate through the life we have created for ourselves. Next time you go to pity an individual who is blind, think about this: What do you do when the electricity goes out? Grope your way through the house, desperately searching for your candles and box of matches, so you can continue living your ableist delusion? And what does an individual who is blind do? Ze continues life as normal. And in that situation I charge you with the answer to this question, Who is living the more "normal" life?

One day, should you be blessed to live so long, the sharpness of your senses will begin to wither. The limbs that carried you so steadily through a lifetime of experiences will weaken and refuse the duty you have always assigned for them. You, too, will be resigned to a life of disability. Who will you let speak for you, determine your worth, assess your life's value?

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